I have been thinking about ego a lot lately. It is something that comes up a lot in yoga. Many teachers
and practitioners talk quite a bit about setting aside your ego – your practice
should not be about going deeper into a pose or holding it longer than the
person next to you. You want to find the balance necessary to push yourself
enough to continue to grow, without giving into the ego trap of trying for
things that aren’t accessible and hurting yourself. It is easy to take this
message “off the mat” and into everyday life. Once I found this happy medium,
yoga became an incredibly rewarding practice. One that helped me tap into
strength, balance and patience I never knew I had and I was also able to apply
to other parts of my life.
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Yoga at the Três Fronteiras |
Since I arrived in Mozambique, I have kept up a regular practice at
home, but without a room full of people around me to compare myself to, I
haven’t found that putting ego aside is a big challenge. The place I first
found myself thinking about ego was in church. I wasn’t a regular churchgoer
before I got here. When people asked about my religion in the US, I usually
explained that my mother is Jewish and my father went to an all-boys high
school, so he joined a Unitarian youth group to meet girls. Agnostic Jew is
probably the most accurate way I could describe myself. But I really enjoy
going to church here.
From my experience here so far, religion is a much more fluid, flexible
subject than in many other places. The Catholic Church has been here for years
and even played a crucial role in ending the civil war. The northern part of
the country has a large Muslim population and there has been an influx of
Muslim immigrants from North Africa, India and Pakistan. In recent years,
Evangelical churches have been popping up at a frenzied pace, most coming from
Brazil or the US, some by way of neighboring countries. But traditional beliefs
coexist along side these churches and mosques, and people seem to have no trouble
blending the practices of curandeiros
or feticeiros with more recent
imports.
Most non-Muslims here go to church and will ask shortly after meeting
you “Onde reza?’ Literally, “Where do
you pray?” but meaning “What church to you go to?” My response here is usually
that my father’s church, a Igreja
Unitariana, doesn’t exist in Mozambique and that my mother is Jewish. No
one has blinked at this mix so far and only a few have pointedly re-asked, “but
what are you?” I have had people
respond with, “Judeus são muito
intelligentes.” Another spoke with a pastor friend of his about the fact
that my father’s church doesn’t exist here and came back to me with a request
for information about how to change his evangelical church to a Unitarian one.
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Bishop of Chimoio; adorable child at church; Igreja Missão Baptista. |
But lately, I have been going to a small evangelical church: A Embaixada da Imagem de Deus, currently
housed in a garage that has been opened up and expanded to accommodate the
hundred or so attendees each Sunday. The pastor is wonderful. First of all, he
speaks slowly and clearly enough that I can understand almost all of the
sermon. Secondly, his message is always uncompromisingly positive. I really
enjoy spending a couple of hours a week being told that I am loved or that my account
has already been settled. And I can completely understand why people facing
challenging circumstances here would be drawn to the message. I leave feeling
comforted and encouraged.
I also started thinking about how the message he gives compares with the
indoctrination of the yoga community, which is where ego started creeping into
my thoughts. Both have strong elements of telling you that you can’t control
everything and sometimes you need to have faith that if you fill your life with
love and trust that God or the Universe has your best interests at heart,
things will work out. Both are about replacing ego with love.
So the concept of ego was already on my mind when I had an email
conversation with a friend back home about complaining in the Peace Corps and I
was finally able to put into words something that has been bothering me about a
strange position Peace Corps Volunteers sometimes find themselves in. We end up
complaining about the strangest things and lots of times it comes down to ego.
People join the Peace Corps for all different kinds of reasons, both
personal and professional. The three that I think we all share are a desire to
learn about a new culture, push our limits to see if we can live in a more
challenging environment and certainly, we want help people. You could even say
that many Peace Corps Volunteers have an “I want to save the world” complex. Then we
get sent to a host country that has asked the US government for assistance in
specific areas (in the case of Mozambique those are Education and Health), but as I
mentioned in my last post, there can be a jolting difference between a
volunteer’s expectations for service and the in-country reality.
Many volunteers go into their service expecting that when they arrive at
their site in this developing country with so many needs, with training in a
particular area of need, and plenty of ideas for other side projects in their areas
of interest (maybe access to clean water or youth literacy or small business
development or sustainable agriculture: the possibilities are endless!) they
will have more work than they can handle. To make a sweeping generalization, Peace
Corps Volunteers tend to be go-getters who like tackling problems and seeing
results.
Then we arrive in our communities or at our organizations only to find
that they – despite their many needs – move at their own pace, which is
generally much slower than what the eager PCV would prefer. There is only so
much a single volunteer can do to effect change in two years. We cannot force
sustainable change on a way of life that is deeply embedded in a cultural and
political context. None of us can single-handedly revolutionize an entire
educational system. And we shouldn’t try to. Above all else, we should take the
time to be sure that the change we are trying to effect is what the community
actually wants, needs and can support, that it isn’t just what the PCV came in
thinking should happen based on his or her own agenda.
We have to understand that we are each part of a much bigger, slower
process and have faith that what we are doing is contributing to a long-term
improvement in the quality of life in our communities. To feel that we need to
create something tangible and lasting that we can perceive immediately (and put
on our resumes and send pictures home to our families who still think we are
here saving the world), that we can point to and say, “I did that,” is really
about ego.
To be clear, I am not trying to say that building things or founding
groups or other acts of creation are bad. Some do a whole of good, and I think that for all of us who come
in to try to make a difference in the face of such overwhelming need, it is a
very natural response to want to do something that proves you have had an
effect. I am currently trying to establish an American Corner at my school. Primarily
because I think that a room full of English language materials, with access to
research databases and space for an English club or TOEFL prep group would be
of great benefit to the university and greater community. But I am also acutely
aware that I would love to be able to say I contributed something specific and
lasting during my time here. And I know that that is about me; it’s ego.
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This PCV-founded preschool is doing a lot of good for the community outside Chimoio |
I think that this desire to create, to push for results is exacerbated
by the fact that I am benefiting so much from my experience. I am learning
Portuguese. I am taking on jobs I would have told you I was unqualified for and
succeeding (so far). I am being invited into people’s homes and experiencing
movingly generous hospitality from those with much less than what I have. I
live in a beautiful house and eat fresh fruit every day. I am meeting people of
enormous strength and character who inspire me every day and remind me not to
take all that I have for granted. As I have said before, life here is good. So
I end up feeling like I need to justify my presence here. Supposedly, I am here
to serve; yet I am the one learning and growing.
In reality, we as Volunteers need to learn to be humble enough to accept
that it is okay to be the ones gaining from our experience. To be open to all
that our communities have to teach us and use that to be more effective in our
work, instead of coming in thinking that it is a one-way relationship and that we
are here to teach and change and improve the lives of others. To be the do-ers.
Again, that is ego.
In my original conversation with my friend, I said that we have to walk
a line between “I am here in the service of others,” and the reality that we
are here to grow and change ourselves. But as I write this, I am realizing that
there is no line. To actually be in the service of others means to listen and
remain open to those you are trying to support; to learn about their lives:
what they have, as well as what they
need and their strengths, as well as
their weaknesses. Only then, to offer the experience, skills and knowledge you
have that can help them achieve their goals. In the process, it is impossible
not to learn and grow.
One indicator for when we are letting ego get in our way is when we
start complaining in a way that comes down to, “This poor, needy community just
won’t let me help it!” As silly as it sounds, it is easy to stumble into
situation where we think we have a great idea for what is needed, but when we
try to implement it, we can’t get traction. Which probably means it is either
something that came from us, not the needs of the community, or that we skipped
a step in an attempt to accomplish something bigger than what the community is
ready for. In the end, this doesn’t treat people with the respect they deserve
and becomes about us as volunteers trying to prove something to ourselves or each other.
We were told during our training that we would be “planting seeds of
fruit that we would never eat,” or something along those lines. But I think
that it is difficult for those of us who came here wanting to save the world to
realize that sometimes we may need to just lay the groundwork for bigger things
that will be able to happen further down the line, and to realize that in the
mean time, it is okay – no, it is important
– to be the beneficiaries of our own service.